NATALIE'S STORY - PART 1

Natalie describes a happy early childhood. Her family were well off financially and she remembers having holidays lasting months at a time. Her parents gave her anything she wanted. She was popular at school. But there was a darker side to Natalie's family life.

Her parents had a serious drug habit that became apparent to Natalie when she was eight years old. She realised that her father's frequent trips to London were drug-related. The family home was always busy. Many people were around at all times of the day and night. In spite of her father's absences and her parents' drug habit, and all that it entailed, Natalie reflects on this part of her life as being a happy time.

"I liked that life because they had a lot of money and I was taken places. I was treated well."

However, when Natalie was nine years old she started to resent her parents' drug habit.

"…I said to my mother that I didn't like her doing drugs… I just said how would she feel if her mother did it? And then that's when my mother stopped… but my dad carried on."

Natalie's family moved when she was eleven years old. Disaster struck the family a week later.

"…my dad got arrested and was given a long sentence…"

Her dad's imprisonment was for a drug offence.

"That was a week after I moved here and I had to start a new school, and our house, our names, everything were in the paper, on the news because Margaret Thatcher was prime minister and totally against drugs. It was a terrible thing. It was horrible, a horrible time in my life that I had to go to school and everybody knew. And I just felt really, really embarrassed…"

Life was difficult for a while for Natalie and her family. She also continued to be haunted by her father's case.

"I got paranoid at school if anybody talked about drugs I thought they'd bring up my dad's case. I felt a lot of shame and I felt really, really bad."

Her father's sentence was reduced by two years after appeal. However, by this time Natalie had grown tired of visiting her father in prison.

"I stopped visiting him. I didn't want to go to prisons anymore and visit him… then it seemed that our lives just got on, we were skint because all the money and everything was frozen. It was all drug money…"

Natalie started using cannabis and alcohol when she was 14 years old

"I started feeling, it was something I knew. It was a really funny feeling, I knew it, …I knew about wraps, I knew… how to make them, how to roll a joint. And it stopped me feeling, that was really good. So I could do things and not have a conscience about it. I didn't feel guilty about anything."

"I started mixing with different people, the ones that always looked exciting at school, you know, the ones that were smoking."

At this time in her life, Natalie described her mother as being "liberal and open-minded."

"…like we were allowed to smoke in the house. She'd let all my friends in and we would be up to no good…"

Natalie started dating when she was 14. Her boyfriend, Richard, regularly stole money from his parents.

"… He used to take a lot of money. Like one hundred pounds a day. So I started 'mitching' off school, we'd meet, go and score first thing in the morning, hash, and then just like, it was great, going round cafes, doing what we wanted, catching buses where ever we wanted. Doing whatever we wanted. And that I suppose reminded me of having money and doing what I wanted when I was young. So that was great. And then we started doing 'trips' on the weekend. And it was all really good fun then."

Natalie hardly attended school at this time. She was arrested for breach of the peace and was also caught shoplifting.

"We just seemed to do whatever we wanted and I like that feeling. I was free and I could do whatever I wanted. I didn't have any guilt."

Natalie became pregnant by Richard when she was 15 years old. She split up with Richard when she was four months pregnant.

"It wasn't very good then 'cause I wasn't going to school so I didn't really have any friends, they were all at school or whatever and it was really boring. I used to argue with my mother a lot."

Even though she had not been attending school, Natalie still sat her GCSE exams. She was pregnant at the time. She remembers this as another time in her life when she felt a lot of shame because everyone was talking about her.

Natalie abstained from all drugs during her pregnancy.

"And in that period that I was pregnant, I gave up everything. I didn't see anybody, I gave up cigarettes. I didn't take drugs, didn't do anything. And I thought that was a way out I suppose."

Natalie gave birth to her son when she was 16 years old. Four months after her son's birth, she started smoking cannabis again.

She started dating Richard again two months after her son's birth. This time the relationship lasted seven months. In this time, Natalie fell pregnant again but decided not to keep the baby. Natalie then began to date Mark, who she describes as "quite intelligent, had a lot going for him."

Around the age of 17/18, Natalie discovered the rave scene where she took her first ecstasy tablet. She began to take ecstasy every time she went out clubbing. When Natalie's son was two years old, she took speed in front of him for the first time. At this time, Natalie's primary drug of choice was alcohol.

"I wouldn't have said I was addicted to anything at that point, but probably drink, when I look back 'cause I use to get hammered at the weekends…"

Natalie then began to date John, Mark's friend, for five months. John was dealing speed and hash.

Natalie finished with John and returned to Mark.

"I really didn't like John and, 'cause he was an alcoholic and always use to get in right states."

However, John was not completely out of her life.

"I really didn't like him and it was great because… I could phone him up and he'd come down and take me out. And he had a lot of speed, that's when I started doing speed."

During this time Natalie had moved out of the family home and in to a flat. She recalls her flat being burgled when word got out that she was stashing three nine bars of cannabis. Natalie returned to the family home.

When Mark went abroad as part of his degree course, Natalie's speed and ecstasy use escalated.

"…that's when I really started to party… I went out. I lost lots of weight. I got store cards and everything. I had lots of nice clothes. And then I was going clubbing every weekend, doing E's…or speed."

When Mark came home from abroad, Natalie realised that "things had changed" between them. Natalie was far more interested in going out than with her relationship with Mark.

"And then I started meeting lots of guys that would supply me. That's what seemed to be the pattern… So I started to use men for what I wanted. I didn't sleep with these guys."

Natalie started dating John again after a misunderstanding the day before he was on trial for an offence.

"I slept with him which was a stupid thing to do. And he went to court the next day and he actually got off! And he came over my house thinking everything was great and we were together. I thought 'Oh God.' I felt I couldn't let him down. I just went a long with it. I suppose low self-esteem whatever. And that's when I started doing more and more speed."

Initially, Natalie felt that her use of speed was controlled.

"I'd do speed like on a Thursday, I think I controlled it at first. So I'd do speed on Thursday, lose weight for Friday to go out and then I'd do it over the weekend and then on the Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I wouldn't do it."

Natalie felt confident and happy when she was taking speed. She also explained that she was still "able to be a mother."

"And I was taking valium and eggs [temazepam] as well at the time to come down off the speed. I wanted to go to sleep."

Natalie's valium and temazepam was supplied illegally.

When Natalie was 19 years old, her father came home from prison. He had developed a heroin habit while in prison. Natalie believes that this is when things probably started to go "pear-shaped" for her.

"He came out, and I didn't realise it at the time, but he was a heroin addict. I didn't know that. While he'd been in prison, he went down because of crack, and when he was in prison his illness must have progressed and he ended up using smack. So when he came out I didn't realise that. And I think he was on methadone and stuff."

By this time, John had also been sent to prison for an offence and whilst there he tried heroin for the first time. When John left prison, Natalie's father started to supply him.

Natalie tried heroin for the first time when she was 21 years old.

"I didn't think anything much to gear, and I thought… 'Oh what's everyone on about? It's not that brilliant.' But at the same time it was like…I felt really chilled. You feel really calm and chilled out. So I think I probably tried it again a week later. Then I just didn't bother, I didn't do it for a while."

When John came out of prison he was jealous and angry about the male friends with whom Natalie had been socialising. Natalie readily admits that there were times when John's temper scared her. It was during this time that Natalie, 22 years old, took an overdose of paracetamol.

"I just took the overdose to get me away from here."

Around this time Natalie was drinking a lot and going out regularly. Sometimes while Natalie was drinking she would take temazepam (often about ten) as well. As a result:

"I wouldn't remember anything…I would take speed, so I could drink more".

"It was probably around that time that I would end up fighting in town and all that kind of stuff."

Natalie's son spent a lot of time with Natalie's mother and his father. Around this time, Natalie ended up in hospital with a problem she associated with her drinking and the speed she was taking.

She also got sacked from her job at a pub when she was caught taking a drink. Natalie recalled times when the pub owners were away when she would put her mouth under the Jack Daniels' optic and take shots.

Aged 21/22, Natalie stopped taking ecstasy.

"I stopped doing E's because I couldn't be bothered with the paranoia and I thought, 'Oh well, I can go out and just do speed.' And I was having just as much as a good time just doing speed without the E's…"

John's heroin use was increasing and Natalie's relationship with him was becoming more volatile.

"… we used to argue a lot. I used to try and control him all the time. I seemed to have lost that, you know, he use to do anything I say and now that I was with him it was like he'd got me and it wasn't working anymore but for some reason I kept going back for more and more and more. I liked being taken out."

During this time Natalie got pregnant by John. She did not keep the baby.

Natalie recalled the time that she did a 'geographical' and moved out of the country to start afresh.

"… I was only over there six weeks. I took my son out of school. When I was out there I got in a fight with somebody, a guy. He gave me a black eye. Somebody I met on holiday had my son for the night. I was like, more or less stripping in this nightclub. They got me hammered, I don't know who… The DJ kept saying 'Oh someone's buying you a drink over there' and I was drinking them and drinking them. I don't know what they were. Before I knew it my top was off…"

It soon became apparent to Natalie that the situation in the nightclub (i.e. the free alcohol) was a set-up, since she saw pictures of herself advertising the nightclub.

Natalie came back home and to John who was still using heroin. She started college. At this time she was using speed everyday and smoking heroin occasionally. She had also tried crack. She grew tired of arguing with John over his heroin use.

"… in a way…I thought 'Oh my God, I might as well join him.' Do you know what I mean? He was such a state. He couldn't talk or anything, he'd be gouching out all the time. So I just thought 'Oh well, I might as well join him. I'm fed up of arguing with him about it'…"

Natalie started using heroin with John in the evenings when her son was in bed. Natalie described how the taking of heroin became 'normal' to her.

"… it started becoming acceptable. I just accepted it - John was doing it, my dad was doing it. I started doing it, dabbling in it. It didn't seem to be a problem. I was thinking 'What's everyone on about you can get addicted straight away. That's bollocks,' you know, 'I can take it or leave it.' I thought I could take it or leave it but for some reason I still kept doing it."

Her father would give her gear sometimes:

"…his way showing he cared. He didn't want to see me in pain and withdrawing."

Natalie's heroin use began to escalate.

"I couldn't believe how fast this had happened. I never, ever, thought this was going to happen to me."

She began using heroin at three o'clock in the afternoon. The situation got worse until eventually she was using it all day, every day. This went on for two years.

"To be perfectly honest, that two years of my life is really vague."

Those around her were using heroin and it had reached the stage where she was taking it in front of her son.

"All of my friends were on it. My brother started doing it. Everybody was doing it. Unfortunately, my son lived in my room with me so he saw everything."

Natalie described the feeling that heroin gave her.

"You just don't think…It totally numbs any feelings that you've got at all, you know, more so than any other drug I've ever taken…You can't cry if you're using gear, no way…"

"You're just oblivious. Totally on a different planet…"

This period of constant heroin use came 14 to 18 months after Natalie's initiation with the drug. Heroin was not the only substance that Natalie was using at this time. Speed had its function.

"… I was still taking speed to counteract, well I had to be active, you know, I had my son… and I was working."

"I don't know how I worked. I'd have six-hour shifts and I'd be really ill after that. I'd have to get home. I couldn't go out. It was horrible. It was a horrible place to be 'cause I couldn't go anywhere 'cause I needed heroin…"

Natalie remembers the times that she would come home from work and just gouch out in her work clothes. She would then get up next morning and go straight to work in the same clothes; this routine would go on for days at a time. Natalie recalled not bathing for two weeks

"… my hair use to get so greasy, I just use to put talcum powder on it…"

Natalie talked about the times where she would try and do 'normal' things with her son, camping or trips to theme parks such as Alton Towers and Oakwood. But the trips were never 'normal.'

When John and Natalie took her son camping, the bong went with them. When John and Natalie took her son to Oakwood, they were taking ecstasy and smoking heroin. When Natalie took her son to Alton Towers, they spent most of their time in the toilets where Natalie was constantly rolling joints.

There came a point when Natalie was no longer able to take her son to school as she could not get out of bed. She would set her alarm for ten past three, so she could get up and get dressed ("so it would look as if I had been dressed all day") before her son came home from school. Her mother started taking responsibility for Natalie's son.

"I was just house-bound. I had to be in the house smoking gear."

Natalie's relationship with John was not getting any better. John was now dealing heroin and Natalie would frequently steal from him and lie about it.

"I was totally with John just for his drugs, completely and utterly. I really disliked him. Couldn't stand him…I was with him because I was so addicted to it…[heroin]"

"John was supplying my dad, and my dad would be supplying John."

Natalie's habit was now costing her £130 a day. Between John and Natalie, they were smoking 3 ½ grams of heroin a day. She needed John to support her habit and John was aware of this.

"If I wasn't with him I'd just be cold turkey and I couldn't deal with that."

"He was able to speak to me like shit. Walk out when he wanted…"

"When he wasn't about, I'd be on the floor looking for the tiniest bits. I'd be smoking all kinds of crap - dog hair, you know, anything. If it looked like heroin and it was all stuck with dust, I'd be smoking it…"

At the peak of her habit, Natalie described herself as "totally lost."

"… I was lost. I didn't know where I was going, what was happening… I did consciously think 'I'm scared' but I didn't see any way out. I felt completely trapped. I absolutely hated using gear because of what it was doing. I couldn't do anything. John controlled me and the heroin controlled me and that was it."

Her social network consisted solely of drug users. Natalie emphasised the fact that she saw no way out of the situation she was in.

"It's really strange because you don't see there's any way out. You don't realise that you could just stop. You don't even see that."

"… eventually it got so bad, I'd have to use heroin to think of how I was going to give it up… I needed it to think… to function, you know, I couldn't do anything…"

Natalie has memories of having to get up in the middle of the night to use heroin.

"I used it to function basically, just to act normal."

Natalie recalls collapsing twice from using too much heroin. One time she was alone with her son when she collapsed in the bathroom. She came around having no idea what had happened.

She was sick most days when using heroin. She remembers that it got to the point where she didn't want to be alone - she would be sick in a carrier bag in front of other people, including her son, rather than be sick on her own in the bathroom.

This was a nightmare for Natalie's mum.

"My mother was nearly having a nervous breakdown. My dad was on it, my brother was on it, I was on it."

Natalie was forced to seek help when her mother threatened to kick her out of the family house.

"I think it came to a head when she sat me down, me and John, and she said, you know, 'I can't cope with this anymore. You're going to have to go…' And I just thought 'Oh my God…I'd have to go and live with John with William [Natalie's son].' And I couldn't bear that, living like that. So I just said there and then, 'Get me the phone,' you know, 'I'll phone the agency."

"I phoned the agency. And it was the first time that I said I was a heroin addict to Pauline and I was crying on the phone and she said 'Your appointment is…' and it seemed like ages away. It was, I think it was three or four weeks…"

"I wanted my life back."

Natalie was assessed by one of the drug workers at a local treatment agency who offered her a place on the pre-treatment program.

"… he kept saying to me 'You'll do this kid.' And I was like 'Oh my God, do you really think so?' and he kept saying 'Yeah.' And I really, honestly didn't. I just didn't think so."

Natalie started attending Narcotics Anonymous. However, she continued to use heroin for a further two months.

"People kept saying, 'When are you going to give up then?' And I kept thinking 'Well what do you mean when am I going to give up? I can't just give up - I'm addicted!'"

Natalie went to a local psychiatric hospital for an assessment for the inpatient detoxification. She was totally against the idea of going into the hospital, but if she had to do it she would.

It was Natalie's father who helped her on her road to recovery. Natalie decided on a reduction regime to wean herself off the heroin. Her father weighed her out a certain amount of heroin each day with each portion progressively decreasing in size.

"I tried all that before but it didn't work. But this time it was different. I really wanted to do it."

Natalie's father was not the only man in her life that helped her on the road to recovery. Her son was also instrumental in helping her determination to beat heroin: "I didn't want this for him."

The day after the hospital assessment, Natalie decided she was going to give up heroin.

"I just decided that I was going to give up. I phoned everybody up. I phoned all my friends. I phoned John up and said, 'I don't want anybody to come round. Don't phone me or anything for two weeks."

We continue Natalie's story in Part 2, following her time in treatment

Rebecca Hancock

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