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When I was about nine years of age I was abused by my next door
neighbour. He used to tell me we were playing doctors. I thought
it was just a game so nothing happened about it. Then we moved to
somewhere else. For about three years I used to watch my mother
being beaten up by my father. By this time she was an alcoholic
and I can remember coming home from school to find her lying drunk
on die kitchen floor.
By the time I was thirteen I thought I had found a real friend,
but he also started to abuse me although I didn't realise it at
the time. I could stand reality no more, so I started to inject
speed and drink alcohol. I had moved out of the family home-and
was living with another friend, but he also raped me. I really began
to wonder what was happening to me - I was hooked on speed, heroin,
alcohol and anything else I could get my hands on. One night I picked
up a razor blade and began to cut my arms open and as this helped
to relieve the pressure I was under, I thought I had finally found
a friend. By the age of fifteen I was cutting my self every day
and it helped me to cope with die drink and drugs.
One night my cousin asked me to stay over and when I woke up the
next morning in pain, I realised I had been raped again, but this
time by my own flesh and blood. Now my head had finally gone. I
was burgling houses and stealing from cars just to feed my habit.
Finally I was caught and ended up in prison. When I was released
I went straight back to the drugs and drink and ended up on the
streets. My nan and grampa realized something was wrong as I kept
trying to kill myself. I was admitted to a mental hospital for ten
weeks.
I tried to stay off the drink and drugs, but couldn't manage it
on my own and was admitted to a Uplands Court house run by the Rainbow
Group. One day I went on a drinking binge and ended up taking speed.
As the home was a 'dry' house I was asked to leave. I took another
overdose that thinned my blood right out, and was re-admitted to
Uplands Court. However, I screwed up again when I went off with
a mate who took me to his mate's house where I was drugged and molested.
This was when I was eighteen. In order to find relief, I went to
a shop and stole the sharpest thing I could find and cut my arms
to shreds.
After being back on the streets for a while, I moved m to a bed
and breakfast for ten days. After this, my mother's social worker
got me a nice house to live in where I found a girl friend. She
turned out to be an alcoholic, but after four months we still got
engaged. As the place I was staying in had got smashed up, I had
to sleep rough again. I jumped train to London, but as there was
no accommodation to be had there, I returned to Swansea and moved
in to another hostel. However, this didn't work out as I was again
injecting speed and heroin and so I moved in with my mother.
One day social workers came and forcibly took my nephew away. As
he was screaming my name, my mother told me to get out. I went,
taking with me my anti-depressants and 64 paracetamol. When the
support worker from Uplands Court came to see me I told him I had
had enough. The manager and deputy manager picked me up and took
me back.
I've been clean now for two months, am learning to play the guitar
and God has totally changed my life. I've also started a basic counselling
course and am living for Jesus.
ABUSE AIN'T THE END.
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