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For as long as Alison can remember, alcohol
was part of her family life and ever present in the family home.
She recalls camping trips during her childhood where her parents
would spend time in the pubs allowing Alison a glass of shandy.
However, it wasn't until Alison was fifteen that she began drinking
with her friends; this coincided with Alison starting work.
Over her teenage years, Alison describes her drinking as "proper
sort of teenage drinking". Being small for her age, Alison
was unable to get served in pubs. However, by the time she was 18,
Alison and her friends would frequently go to pubs. She remembers
making sure that she had one drink more than everybody else, especially
at closing time.
Alison also enjoyed smoking the occasional joint [cannabis].
"I've had a puff here and there. Nothing else. Again I count
myself lucky that I'm as old as I am and I don't mean that in
a patronising way. But when I was a teenager, drugs weren't that
readily available. Quite possibly if I'd been ten years younger…
I don't know. Who knows?"
During this time, Alison met a guy and began a relationship. This
relationship lasted three years and the break-up caused problems.
"… the alcoholism really took hold then. Oh, it was
the end of the world, you know?… all I had to do was drink.
I'd given up work at the time because he could afford to keep
me. So I mean, I had nothing else to do."
Her drinking escalated to roughly two or three bottles of wine
a day.
"It was just drinking to oblivion. It was good, we [Alison
and her friends] were having fun… when I went home I could
just go straight to sleep and not think about the 'poor me's'."
Alison continued to drink this way for a year until she "cleaned
up" her act and got back into work.
"… just going out on weekends with the girls, normal
sociable drinking… that carried on for a while…"
As Alison and her friends were going out drinking on the weekend
(and possibly one night during the week), she did not feel that
alcohol was affecting her life. However in hindsight, Alison feels
that she was constantly "preoccupied" - waiting for the
weekend so that she could go out and get drunk.
"It [alcohol] gives confidence, which had been knocked when
the relationship broke up."
When Alison was twenty-nine, she began dating Steve.
"… then it started, the drinking every day, in the
evenings… we'd go to the pub straight from work and then
we'd go home about nine, ten o'clock in the evening."
When Alison's father fell ill, she gave up work to help her mother
look after him. Her mother was an alcoholic.
"… so there was the added bonus then of being able
to drink with her. You know, 'There's nothing wrong with me. I'm
just keeping her company.'… Not so much waking up and wanting
a drink first thing in the morning, but I was going round to my
mum's about lunchtime. We'd have a drink, 'She deserved it having
to look after my father and I was keeping her company' - my excuse."
When her father died, Alison and her mother hit the drink hard.
Within eighteen months of her father dying, Alison's mother also
passed away. Again, Alison's drinking escalated.
"… I was completely off my rocker all the time…"
Alison cannot remember exactly how much she was drinking at this
time. She would drink cans of cider and lager. She also made sure
she had half a bottle of whiskey a day.
Although Alison has a sister, she was not available to Alison at
this trying time.
"She's the type of person, she'd wash her hands - she didn't
want to know… and, I suppose I was abusive as well towards
her… There was a lot of jealousy at the time surrounding
my sister because she had a good marriage, lovely house, beautiful
kids, good job. There was a lot of jealousy there, but there was
also a lot of resentment there. Because I was in the 'poor me's'.
I was the one looking after my parents… she could just turn
up at the funeral looking gorgeous..."
Alison continued drinking chaotically until she was thirty-seven
years old when she gave birth to a boy, James, which prompted her
to look at her drinking.
"I cleaned up my act for about three years… drinking
every day but only very moderately. I'd just have a couple of
cans in the evening when he [James] was in bed but I still had
to have those couple of cans…"
Alison's partner also continued to drink.
"… he was lucky. He could drink - he wasn't alcoholic.
He could go out four times a week and drink a lot but it never
affected him… He could lay off it for weeks…"
When James started nursery, Alison would meet her friends in the
afternoon and go to the pub.
"… we'd go for a drink while the babies were in nursery.
And like any other alcoholic, you mix with alcoholics or people
that drink like you did."
She continued to drink in the evenings as well. Once again her
drinking escalated. Social Services became involved and James, aged
seven, was taken into care.
Alison tried detoxing three times in Cefn Coed hospital [local
psychiatric hospital]. She also tried numerous home detoxes. However,
Alison had no intention of staying off the alcohol.
"… just to give my body a break and go back out there…
No intention to stay off it… I didn't think I had to…
you know, let my liver recover and be nice to Social Services
and they'll give me James back."
Alison was sober for six months when Social Services gave James
back to her.
"… but that's all I'd done, I'd cleaned up… I
hadn't changed any of my thinking or anything like that at the
time… I hadn't learnt anything in the detox …"
Alison was attending a harm-reduction agency, where she was encouraged
to control her drinking at this time.
"Oh, it was giving me license to drink, wasn't it? You know,
as long as I show up on time… it was good."
At this point, Alison didn't consciously acknowledge that that
her drinking was different to anybody else's.
"We all drink, everybody drinks. But I suppose in the back
of my mind I knew, but you don't want to admit it."
James was home six months when Steve had a stroke in the middle
of the night. Steve was diagnosed with brain cancer and given five
weeks to live.
"Oh, if anything could give me a license to drink, that
did… It was a wonderful license to drink, it really was."
Alison visited Steve in hospital every day while under the influence
of alcohol. She would justify her drinking to herself.
"I'd have about two cans in the morning for breakfast to
give me the strength to go up there because I didn't know what
I was going to face. Even though I'd phoned the hospital to make
sure he was still alive, he could be dead by the time that I got
there. So I needed the courage… I'd always take a couple
of cans with me. Stash them in the hospital, in the toilets or
something."
Steve was in hospital for four months before Alison was allowed
to take him home. At this point, she was drinking cider as lager
was no longer giving her "a quick enough kick".
"… then it was back and forth everyday for chemotherapy…
So the more the pressure was on, the more I was drinking. Not
thinking about how it must be for Steve… wanting to have
him at home, 'I could look after him… No one else can look
after him like I can do it,' you know? And how selfish I was…"
Again, Social Services became concerned about James's welfare.
Eventually, James was taken off Alison. Friends of Steve and Alison's
volunteered to foster him. Alison was allowed supervised contact
with James, once a week.
"They were talking about adoption. It was that bad, and
in my way of thinking he'd be better off with them. They had more
money than I did. They could look after him better. They had transport.
They went on holidays abroad. They had a private house. I was
in a council house. Better way of life for James, you know?"
Inevitably, Steve had to go into a nursing home.
"… that was it then… the anger came out. The drinking
more. All sorts of excuses, very much the 'poor me's, poor me's'
all the time. But needing the alcohol to get me through, to face
things, to give me the strength to get up in the mornings."
When Steve died, Alison weighed just six-stone. With Steve gone
and James in care, she felt as if her life had 'collapsed' and
began to question, 'What have I got to live for?'
Steve's funeral was on a Friday and Alison went into Cefn Coed
hospital on the following Monday to detox. Her detox lasted ten
days. However, once again she turned to alcohol.
"It [alcohol] just blotted everything. It made me function,
or so I thought."
When Alison relapsed, she "didn't feel anything."
"I didn't feel guilty… To be honest, you know, I needed
that drink."
For Alison "a detox was just a detox".
"I didn't know anything about attempting to stay sober.
I made no attempt to stay sober. I just thought, 'Well this is
my life. This is it. This is the way my life's going to go - sober
up for a couple of months and then…
When I picked up [alcohol] again after detoxes, I didn't dream
that it would take me back there. I thought I could drink normally
after a detox, like everybody else drunk normally. I didn't realise
that I couldn't drink normally. I did on occasions think, 'Oh God
here I go again' but not for long because it [alcohol] took hold
of me and you don't think of those things then."
Alison did try other ways of controlling her drinking.
"I tried in the house on my own, controlled drinking. But
as an alcoholic you can never control your drinking, it always
creeps back up on you."
She also tried changing her drinks.
"If I have a bottle of Sherry - get drunk quicker. But because
it was so strong I'd only need a little bit… One small glass
of sherry would do the job of two large cans. You know, so the
bottle would last longer - ha ha!"
She also tried to rationalise that she couldn't be an alcoholic
because she drank whiskey and Martini, not only cheap lagers and
ciders.
"… and I don't drink neat, you know? That was another
thing. If I put a little ale or something in whiskey, you know
not so bad."
"I would drink Martini or Bacardi with coke in a long glass,
I wasn't drinking as much [pause]. There's all sorts of rationalisations
and, 'Oh, I'll just have one now and that'll be it until tea time'.
And then teatime started getting earlier… changing routines
as well, it seems as if there's logic…"
Alison felt there were "always excuses" for drinking.
"… the sun's shining, 'Oh, a nice cool Bacardi and
coke then!'"
She was grateful for the "marvellous" invention of Coca
Cola!
"… coz you could hide so much in it. Go out and sit
in the garden and talk to my neighbours with a glass of coke.
Plenty of lemon in it so it would disguise the smell. That was
another favourite reason for changing drinks - disguising the
smell. Of course everybody says vodka doesn't smell. [laughs]
It's not the vodka that smells, it's the after-effects in your
mouth."
Alison was prescribed valium. However, she was not taking them
as prescribed by her doctor. She would ensure that she had one in
the morning, if she did not have any alcohol, to prevent alcohol
withdrawal.
During the six months after Steve died, WGCADA (West Glamorgan
Council on Alcohol and Drug Abuse), a voluntary sector treatment
agency, became involved with Alison. Although she cannot remember
exactly when, Alison knows she was forty-six at the time. She thinks
that it is highly likely that the initial contact was made via the
detox ward at the local psychiatric hospital.
"… more than likely Dave [Community Support Worker]
came up there, like I see him do to so many other people now…
he's got some invisible perception and he seems to think, 'Right
that one will make it. It's worth saving that one'. And he just
got hold of me and never let me go, you know? He just seemed to
think I was worth going that extra mile for…"
WGCADA provides outpatient treatment for people with alcohol and
drug misuse problems. WGCADA's 12-Step approach is based on the
Minnesota Model of addiction, with additional emphasis on Glasser's
concept of "Reality Therapy." Addiction is viewed as a
medical disease, which can be treated with one-to-one counselling,
family therapy, group therapy and involvement in 12-Step self-help
groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous
(NA).
Alison described herself as "a poor helpless little waif with
nothing going for her" at the peak of her drinking.
"I didn't care, I couldn't be bothered. I was dirty. I didn't
bother washing. Didn't bother eating. I was the person no one
wanted to talk to. Even my drinking friends, the majority of them
had deserted me. I was an embarrassment. I was very, very lonely.
Very lonely."
Alison would spend most of her time on her own.
"I suppose I've always been a bit of a loner. I've always
had friends but never a specific girl friend then. It's always
been crowds, five or six of us. But I used to spend a lot of time
on my own… I didn't have any girl friends at the time. I
hadn't worked for years, so I had no work mates that I was friendly
with. The ones I had been friendly with had all moved on…"
She did spend time drinking with Steve's friends.
"I knew I'd get a drink off them because of what I'd been
through, you know, because I was Steve's missus… so they
weren't friends. And I suppose a lot of them were out for what
they could get. But touch wood, I was never promiscuous. So I've
got that to be thankful for… they did put me in taxis and
send me home. They didn't leave me on the streets. So I was very,
very lucky there. But for the grace of God, probably if I'd carried
on… I realise now that there were plenty of yobs out there,
you know, things that could've happened but they didn't happen
and I'm grateful for that."
WGCADA arranged for Alison to go to Broadway Lodge. Broadway Lodge
is a non-profit making organisation and registered charity, which
operates treatment and counselling services for alcohol, drug dependency,
eating disorders and co-dependency. In addition they offer individually
tailored detoxification programmes. They also advocate the Minnesota
philosophy of addiction.
At this point, even though Alison was aware that she had a problem
with alcohol, she looked upon her impending time at the Broadway
Lodge as "a holiday"
"… going into the Lodge, I knew I was going in for
a while - 'It's a holiday innit?' [laughs] 'It's a break, I deserve
it!' … I remember thinking, 'It'll be nice to get away. I
could do with a break'."
Although she knew she was going into Broadway Lodge, her drinking
remained the same. She did not have much money and therefore had
to sell some of her possessions. She also began to sell or swap
her prescribed valium so that she could obtain alcohol.
"… it wasn't taking me much to get drunk or to get
to where I wanted to be… so I probably wasn't drinking that
much in the end coz I didn't need it. You know, there was so much
in my system, it was just… topping up all the time."
Towards the end of her drinking, Alison would drink approximately
six cans of lager or cider a day.
"I couldn't take anymore. I was just passing out or blacking
out. But, you know, still had to have all those cans just to give
me the strength…"
The six months between Steve dying and Alison going into Broadway
Lodge are completely vague to her.
"I've been told that I blacked out in the village. I blacked
out in the park. I've been told all these things but I don't remember
them. I can remember moving [house]. I can remember helping out
for this place [WGCADA] in Oystermouth Castle when they had a
function on down there. But to be honest with you, I don't know
if I can remember it or that I've been told so much about it that
I think I remember."
"I've been told I came up to outpatient's treatment but
they had to take me home or send me home coz I was so off it."
Alison spent twenty-one weeks in Broadway Lodge. The Lodge is a
39-bed residential centre providing Primary Care, with an additional
25 places in adjacent houses for those needing Secondary Care.
Alison detoxed before going in to Primary.
"You start Primary while you're detoxing. They don't mess
about!… You're up seven o'clock in the morning. You're down
for your meals and everything is done by the bell. Very regimented.
It's like being in boot camp with the bonuses of detoxing. You're
not allowed to isolate. You're not allowed to be on your own."
Primary Care lasts for eight weeks and during this time it aims
to help patients face the reality of their addiction; change the
behaviour associated with it and achieves the foundations for recovery.
"Basically, I was just gonna do the eight weeks in Primary
and that was it. I was going home then. I was gonna have my son
back. Done my treatment, done my time… But after about three
or four weeks something clicked… and if the chance to go
to Secondary was there I would take it."
The Primary Care treatment programme is holistic in nature, incorporating
audio and video presentations, lectures, stress management, relaxation
sessions and aerobics, alongside counselling, group work and medical
support. A further and very valuable aspect of treatment is the
importance given to the patient community themselves as a resource
for helping each other.
During Primary Care, patients work through the first five steps
of Alcoholics Anonymous and five treatment phases:
- Denial - confronting denial in order to help recognise and accept
addiction;
- Hope - recognising an ability to change and the 12 Steps as
the vehicle for change;
- Trust - commitment to change;
- Review - reflecting on past behaviour and acknowledging an ability
to lead a life of abstinence;
- Maintenance - regular and committed involvement with the 12
Step Fellowship programme.
"… you work it 24/7… so you live, eat and breathe
the Steps. And as I said about half way through realising, 'Right,
if I'm going to do this recovery, I'm going to do it properly.'"
Towards the latter part of treatment, patients are encouraged to
explore their continuing needs beyond Primary Care and the options
available to them. Secondary Care treatment programmes provide continued
help and support for recovery, as well as a safe and supportive
environment where longer-term recovery strategies and rehabilitation
planning can be considered and implemented. The continued goal of
treatment is that of abstinence.
The Secondary Care programme is residential and usually lasts for
13 weeks. It is designed to provide the necessary stepping-stone
between the completion of a Primary Care programme and returning
to the wider community. The programme combines group therapy, one-to-one
counselling and personal assignment work. Secondary Care is a therapeutic
community which also involves all residents taking part in the active
running of the houses and household activities - shopping, cooking,
budgeting and household management. Residents are also encouraged
to become involved with voluntary work within the local community.
"… Secondary gives the opportunity to live in the real
world while still cocooned. You still have your fall back if anything
goes wrong."
"It's like Primary, you're living in a goldfish bowl. You're
all wrapped up in cotton wool. There's staff on hand twenty-four
hours a day. Secondary is like being in the swimming pool…
You're living in normal houses and you do everything yourself
- cook, clean, wash, iron. The staff are in office hours. You've
got the nurses next door in the Lodge so if anything happens in
the nights there's staff there. And then coming home is like being
in the ocean. That was the way you looked at it."
When Alison left Broadway Lodge, WGCADA and Social Services continued
to support her. She also attended Alcoholics Anonymous [AA] meetings.
"… ninety meetings in ninety days… coz I didn't
have James at home, obviously I could do what I liked when I got
home and it was scary. It was really scary…"
Alison also had some family support
"I was very lucky. One of my cousins who has always been
on the periphery would call in two or three times a week…
if I wanted to go up there on the weekend, I could go up with
her on weekends. So I wasn't on my own."
Three months after Alison came home from Broadway Lodge, James
was coming home more often. As she began to stand on her "own
two feet more", she cut down on the time she was spending at
the Centre (to twice a week) and at AA meetings (to three times
a week). At the Centre, Alison engaged in the diversionary activities,
i.e. computer classes, cookery and gardening.
Alison views recovery as an ongoing process. Aftercare is an integral
part of the Broadway Lodge's programme. It is seen as a bridge between
completion of a treatment programme and settling back into home
life. Client's return to Broadway Lodge for aftercare once a month.
The aims of Aftercare include:
- safety at a time of vulnerability;
- guidance and affirmation to you as you take the first steps
in re-establishing a chemical free life;
- an opportunity to talk through any problems that may arise;
- discussion and help with decision making and problem solving;
- a reminder of the reality of addiction - an opportunity for
more learning through lectures, groups and 1:1 counselling;
- further insight to self and how to fulfil your potential;
- continued support with Relapse Prevention Strategies.
Initially Alison tried aftercare at WGCADA. However, this did not
work out for her and she decided to return to Broadway Lodge to
receive her aftercare.
"… because of the nature of the treatment and the people
that were in aftercare in Broadway, they were people that I'd
gone through group with, knew everything about me, like I knew
everything about them… So to me, I was getting more out of
aftercare in Broadway. So after about three here [at WGCADA] I
didn't come anymore. But that was my choice because I didn't know
anyone in the groups. I had no one I could identify with…
Whereas people in Broadway Lodge knew where I was coming…
So that's the only reason I stopped coming to aftercare here.
But I had all the other support that if I needed counselling it
was here for me, still is if I want it."
Even though Alison went into residential rehab, she is very grateful
to WGCADA.
"… fair play to WGCADA they really worked hard with
me. But some of us need to be locked up, for want of a better
expression… I didn't feel I had enough going for me and…
I was home and what the eye couldn't see… you know, I'd be
drinking at home and I'd be coming in here [WGCADA] and lying
through my teeth. So I needed Broadway Lodge… they call it
'The House of Miracles' and it is…"
Alison's main reasons for remaining abstinent are herself and her
son.
"I couldn't put my son through what he's been through another
time. And I certainly don't want to go back there. I feel I've
got a lot to give back now. And not just in recovery but I can
help other addicts who have had problems with Social Services…
been there, been at the worst end of the stick with them - arguing
and bargaining."
James spent approximately three years (on-and-off) in care.
"… there's plenty of reasons for staying sober these
days. Millions of them. Basically myself, I am worth it and I'm
worth it for my son. But gotta remember that it's me who's got
to stay sober before my son. So unless I stay sober I'm going
to be no good to him. So I've got to come first. Although he's
first, if you know what I mean?"
Alison is dedicated to "giving back" by helping other
alcoholics and addicts. Currently, she volunteers at WGCADA four
days a week. These days she spends approximately seventy percent
of her time with other recovering addicts and alcoholics. She also
feels comfortable socialising with people that Steve and she used
to drink with.
"I get so much support from them… I can mix with them
and I know that I'm safe. You know, if anybody tried to spike
a drink, they'd be lynched… You know I've got all my friends
from Mumbles who are not addicts or alcoholics that I do mix with.
Go round for coffee and things like that, a really normal life
you know outside recovery."
Alison no longer describes herself as "lonely".
"I've always got something to do… I try too be as presentable
as I can, you know, I look after my body, my personal hygiene,
all that sort of thing… my house is still my home. That's
one thing I would love to improve on but I never will. You know,
I couldn't care less if anybody comes in with muddy boots - that's
me! You know, I see other people who are perfectionism personified.
Always cleaning and things like that. And I think, 'Well do I
want to be like that? No I don't!' [laughs] I want to be able
to put my feet up in my house. You know, if James spills a drink
on the carpet, so what? It's not the end of the world.
I like to think I'm someone people get on with… no, I know
I'm someone people like to get on with and like to be with these
days… I feel worthwhile…"
Alison has not had a compulsion to drink since she left Broadway
Lodge.
"But I also know that I mustn't become complacent coz that
could be dangerous. I'm doing all the right things in my own quite
little way, you know? I try not to preach to others, you know…
I'm there for them if they need me."
Having lived through these experiences, Alison is "very surprised
I made it."
"… I also think my Higher Power now is looking after
me. I couldn't see it at the time coz I went through stages of
hating my Higher Power. But it seemed that he always rewarded
me."
Alison believes that with every change comes a gain and a loss.
"Like when my parents died it was as if he [her Higher Power]
gave me James for all the hard work I'd put in… I didn't
have time to look after a child when they were alive so now was
the right time to have him… and Steve' dying took me to my
rock bottom so that I would get into recovery properly so that
I could look after my son… my Higher Power obviously saw
fit that I'm the one that's going to survive and there is a purpose
for me other than looking after James, but that will come further
down the line, whatever that purpose is. Just take each day as
it comes at the moment."
Alison has been sober for two years. She now enjoys a 'brilliant'
relationship with her son.
"I make a good dad… Oh, brilliant relationship. Best
friends. He has come through it so unscathed, at the moment. He's
eleven… Whether I'll have any problems with him in the next
year or two when he goes through puberty, whether I'll get anything
thrown back in my face? But it doesn't seem like that at the moment.
He knew I drank… He would try to stop me. You know, and I'd
hide it from him and everything but at the time, you know the alcoholism
is so bad, you don't think of things like that…
He teases me. I had a glass of ginger beer the other day… he
says, 'You can't drink that, it's beer.' [laughs] I said 'It's ginger
beer!' 'I know that!' he said. [laughs] Yeah, we have a brilliant
relationship."
Recently, Alison and her sister have talked through their differences.
"… she doesn't recognise this as an illness and I've
had to accept that. And although she will never completely trust
me, she realises that I have worked hard to get to where I am
today. Now she supports me both emotionally and financially."
Alison describes life without drink as "brilliant". Her
son has been back at home living with her for about 18 months.
"Life is - you notice everything… Learning to live
clean is good coz there's lots of things you think you can't do
but you can. And its brilliant looking out in the morning, the
sun is shining, you know? The smile on my son's face."
"… recovery is about learning to live properly, not
properly, live as we're meant to live… like following the
Ten Commandments in a way without it being religious, you know?
… something clicks and suddenly, 'Yes, I am worth living.
I am worth a decent life. I am a good person.'"
Rebecca Hancock
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